Rabbits

I was reading a book on generational trauma a couple weeks ago. It was saying that if your birth mother or even your genetic grandmother had trauma while pregnant, you are more at risk for being an anxious person. Both my grandmother and my mother had significant trauma while pregnant. I was set up for it early on. 

I think this is what I love rabbits so much. I relate to them. They are born anxious wrecks only not from generational trauma, as far as we know, but because they are prey animals.  Being overly cautious keeps them safe.  Being overly cautious kept me safe when I was growing up. 

I love watching my rabbits when they're in new environments. They are always inspecting, so cautiously. They need to make sure every centimeter of the space is safe. If they don't feel safe, they stay hidden. 

I'm the same way to this day. I never feel fully safe. I never fully trust. It's something I've been working on my whole life but I don't think I've gotten any closer to getting rid of it. 

I think I'm going to quit therapy. It just doesn't do anything and I'm exhausted every time. I'm going to try doing somatic therapy exercises I find online and in this book I got too long ago that I never opened. I'm going to continue doing art and just be happy with the process and not worry about the product. I'm going to remind myself constantly that I am safe and I don't need protection from my body anymore. 

As much as I love rabbits, I definitely don't want to relate to them in the way of being on edge constantly. I don't want that life.  

And I'll make sure I will heal somehow and even if I don't, the generational trauma stops with me. I am not having children, therefore, they will not suffer due to my trauma or any kind of trauma I put into their lives. 

I wonder if rabbits learned aboutgenerational trauma somehow if they would learn how to not be so cautious. 

my opinion on reading goals

They are toxic. They make reading into something unenjoyable and full of anxiety and pressure to read a certain amount of books or pages. I I really like tracking the books I'm reading on Goodreads and story graph but I never read anybody's reviews or look at their profiles. I don't need to see a million people's reviews on Sarah j Maas or fourth wing or whatever book every single person is reading.  But that's another pet peeve for another post. 

Some months, it's harder to read than others. This month has been particularly hard. I just finished one book and it's the 17th. I don't have a job or any responsibilities besides to take care of myself and I still only finished one book this month so far and it was a graphic novel. It's been really hard for me to read novels right now and audiobooks are putting me to sleep. Even reading graphic novels are hard. My eyes have been blurring a lot more. It sucks. 

The point is, I see people posting about how many books they read every month and whatever. I don't think we should put the kind of pressure on ourselves. I know I shouldn't. I've always loved reading and have been reading non-stop since I learned how. I need to just be grateful for the books I finish and stop looking at my ever growing TBR list. 

Apparently I shouldn't be reading anyway or doing anything. I should have ear plugs in, sleep mask on, lights off, sounds off, and just lay in the dark doing absolutely nothing. I did do that a lot today but my body needs more but I want to light the shabbos candles tonight and watch RuPaul All Stars. I wanted to finish my book.

Now I just want to eat dinner as fast as possible and sleep. This disease is hell.

Writing Prompt: All money vanishes

Today I woke up and checked my bank account balance. I thought I had at least $500 in my checking account and now there's nothing. I checked my savings next and I had at least $3,000 in there. It's all gone. I must have been hacked. I reaching my wallet for my debit card to call the bank and it's not there. Was it stolen? How would it be stolen? I haven't been anywhere in weeks. Maybe I accidentally put it back somewhere else in the wallet. 

As I search through my wallet, I notice that the $20 bill I had in there is gone. My lucky silver dollar is gone. And all my credit cards are gone. This is getting weird. 

I get a call from my best friend Paige. She's frantic. Kind of like me. All of her money is gone out of her bank account. I tell her to check her other accounts and her wallets and purses. Everything gone.  

As she was looking, I got a text from my parents saying the same thing happened to them and they want technical help to make sure they're not seeing anything inaccurately. I told them to check all the places they keep money as well. It's all gone. 

I start looking at my news apps online. This is too weird. However, it turns out all the money in every form in the entire world is gone. The news is reporting that leaders of all the nations will be meeting to try to figure out some kind of solution to this problem. Until then, we are instructed to trade items or food if we must buy something but we also must try to buy as little as possible until everything is figured out. 

I don't have a lot of confidence that this is going to get figured out. It seems like I'm not alone in this from what I'm reading on Reddit. Some people are talking about not paying their rent anymore or stealing food from the grocery stores. Other people want to steal the new video game systems from electronics stores and sports cars from dealerships. 

Other people are talking about how relieved they are that they may not ever have to pay back any debts. I know that's what I'm most relieved about. I owed so much money to my landlord, medical billing companies, my student loans, and so many credit cards.  Now I might not have to file for bankruptcy like I was planning. Now I might not get evicted. But who really knows? 

There's relief and there's also fear. Maybe they'll come up with some other way to make me pay for these things. I don't know how I would. I have no income anymore. I haven't been able to get out of bed for over a month since I had a stomach bug at the beginning of April. I'm just so tired all the time. I can't explain it. Obviously, I can't work like this.  I need to be able to survive somehow. 

Maybe this is the blessing I was looking for and probably also for a lot of people. Or it could be complete chaos. I guess we'll find out in the coming weeks...

journal entry 5/16/24

For those interested, I had my first appointment with Dr Katie Brown, the ME specialist that just started in Indiana last year. This is her plan to get me better. She has worked very closely with Dr Teitelbaum and other ME specialists. She also has ME and currently has minimal symptoms. She said she is very confident that we can get me to a place of functionality again. It's going to be a lot of sacrifice and work but it'll be worth it in the end.  

Plan: 

Phase 1 - Assessment and Treatment Plan

Phase 1 is dedicated to the gathering of information and holistic assessment of your condition. I will gather all the information I need in order to diagnose and treat you appropriately. This step involves taking an extensive history, reviewing your medical records, and conducting a physical exam. Once I have gathered all this information, I will create a formal report with assessment and recommendations for further workup and treatment.

Phase 1 includes:

Comprehensive questionnaire of history and symptoms with follow up questionnaires as needed

Review of past medical records

Review of past labs and tests

Review of any data you have collected on your own, such as from activity trackers and pedometers

A thorough physical exam

A 1 hour interview, in-person or over Google Meet

Educational resources about the nature of CFS and how Dr. Brown’s treatment protocol works

A formal written report with diagnosis, evidence supporting the diagnosis and recommendations for further workup which you can share with your treatment team

A treatment plan overview, including a list of root causes to focus on and general guidelines for treatment. You can take these recommendations to your primary care physician, another functional medicine provider, or continue your treatment with me in the next phase. 

A 1 hour virtual or in-person appointment to discuss the treatment roadmap and answer questions

Phase 2 - Ongoing Treatment

This is the phase Dr. Brown will take ownership of your treatment. Following the treatment plan created in phase 1, she will write prescriptions, recommend supplements, advise lifestyle changes, etc. 

Phase 2 includes:

Ongoing treatment and prescription medication management.

Follow up appointments as needed. 

Between-appointment access to Dr. Brown via email.

Access to Dr. Brown’s group sessions on important CFS topics such as pacing, mindset, meditation, and common pitfalls with Q&A at the end.

Phase 3 - Post-treatment Follow Up

In order to grow my understanding of how to treat CFS, I would like to follow up with you long-term even after you no longer need or desire follow up appointments for disease or medication management. I'm keen to know if you found my recommendations helpful or unhelpful, if you went into remission or stayed sick.

If you get better, I would love to check in with you every year or so to make sure you stay better.

If you do not improve or only achieve partial improvement, I would like to continue to follow you closely. I will provide new recommendations as my knowledge grows. If you find something that helps you that I did not recommend, I would love to hear about it!

Phase 3 includes:

Follow up interviews every 3 to 6 months to assess your progress and workshop problems until you are fully recovered. Once symptom free, I would like to continue to check in by email once per year to make sure symptoms do not return.

If you do not fully recover with the treatment plan provided, I will continue to follow up with you at least every 3-6 months. During these follow ups I will gather from you any new treatments you have tried and if it worked or didn’t work. I will also make you aware of new relevant recommendations as I learn about them. These follow ups will be a combination of phone interview and questionnaire. 

If you asked me about my mom...

I would tell you that what I wanted most in life was her unconditional love and acceptance of who I was. how I never felt that from her. how when I got sick and was about to become evicted, I asked to live with her and she told me no and figure it out and that I'm not disabled, despite the fact I couldn't get out of bed and do anything anymore. how she told me I just didn't want to work and conned the student loan people into forgiveness. how she said she would never take care of me if I lost my husband. how she would make jokes about parts of my illness that were sensitive. and how it cut me into pieces every time these things happened but I kept hoping for that love. but eventually I realized she is incapable of that kind of love and I couldn't settle for less. it was too painful. so, I cut contact. we haven't spoken in over a year. I was homeless and extremely severe and stuck in a state where I knew no one and she nor anyone else in my family even bothered to see how I was feeling. I see her true colors now but, if you ask me to go even deeper, I would tell you I miss her like my breath was taken from me but after everything I could never go back and I don't regret cutting contact at all. I could teach Jordan Sparks how to breathe with no air.